A cacophany of circumstances, and a candle failure

Things that have happened since the last post here:

-brought home a Book of Common Prayer, because I was getting tired of guesswork
-wrote a letter to someone who I have not spoken to in months, painfully
-realized that I really need to step my game up in school
-wrestled with the concept of God
-wrestled with the concept of love
-wondered if we are not all deceived, and all of this meaningless
-listened to a sermon about how love is the force that animates the universe, even if we don't understand anything about the afterlife, or even this life, that is a thing that remains true
-realized I don't have to understand love to believe in it
-made it most of the way through Bishop Spong's Wrestling the Bible from the Fundamentalists, which definitely deserves a post of its own -was informed that I'm spending approximately 250% more time in the newsroom than my position warrants, and this probably has to do with the school problems
-subsequently found more time to do schoolwork and more time to pray and attend Scripture study
-was asked to help lead a Celtic Prayer Service, with two other kids
-proceeded to, with the two other leaders, make a complete hash of the service, including an eternal awkward two minutes in which every match failed to light the first candle, and the lighter I offered the attempting leader only sent up sparks and burned his fingers, until our rector finally took pity on us (or realized that we were simply not going to make it) and retrieved a working lighter from his office... and then we forgot the meditative silences (which, to be fair, were not outlined in the bulletin)

...like I said, we made a hash of it. I am not sure why this has not caused me to have the deep abiding urge to curl up into a ball of shame and die, besides that either the "oh my God we fucked up" instinct is, indeed, a 'we' and not an 'I' or possibly, the church has been established in my subconscious as a safe and loving place, and I no longer believe on some deep level that making a mistake is going to make everyone turn on me like angry wolves. Probably a little of both.

Anyway, I've go to sleep. The missing element on that list up there is "found a cheap monitor for my laptop, so it's actually usable again," so there's that. I can type up entries now, but I'll probably continue to write them first. That seems to work better for the brain.

Counting blessings, I think.

Personal Background Time. For six years, I worked in fairly close quarters with a friend, who was also my supervisor. (It was a small store, and I did love the job. But I don't recommend friendships between authority levels at work, for the record.) He never quite understood that I didn't mind having an ambiguous gender identity - in fact, our gender identity discussions usually ended badly both in and out of work. To that end, for the full six years that I knew him, he would comment, frequently, on my appearance, and how I could better feminize it. Sometimes it was teasing jokes about how my clothes/hair made me look like a boy, and if I would just try, I could probably look so much more like a girl! How if I would wear my hair long, or wear earrings, or wear makeup, and honestly could I really blame customers for getting it wrong? (No, I didn't mind so much, since my gender was quite ambiguous intentionally. But that was hard to communicate.)

After a while, it actually got to kind of hurt. I'd wear eyeliner because I had a meeting, or for whatever reason, and get SHOCK, or wear earrings and get teased, or wear feminine clothes and get backhanded compliments on how that was cool, if only I did it more often, and it just... hurt. When I got my hair cut, there would often be several minutes of teasing about how nice it looked, Young Man, and sometimes a "No, but it really does look good. More feminine."

So, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal that the response to the haircut I got last Friday was positive. And there's no way to non-awkwardly thank people, sincerely and completely, for their words... because I don't think I can adequately say how grateful I am to be around people whose comment is "I do like your haircut. It's very... you." Or that, despite the teasing, my individual style, without makeup or fashion-directional things, is cool, is mine, works for me.

When you've had your identity constantly under barrages of snide comments for much of your life, it is incredibly awesome to have people who not only don't take potshots at your gender identity and appearance, but genuinely affirm it. I guess that's just not something I ever thought of as being part of life, but my God, I am accepted for who I am here, not only in the workplace but at church. Which is something I never expected at all.

I am so utterly blessed in this life.

Psalms and prayers and the like

Ah, damn. I had this post written up about the Psalms, but I left it in the notebook in my dorm room. Basically, the one for All Saints Day was really quite disturbing. Not having been to Scripture Study in ages, singing it on Sunday was the first time I'd seen it.

149:5 Let the faithful exult in glory; let them sing for joy on their couches.
Yeah, okay, with you so far...
:6 Let the high praises of God be in their throats and two-edged swords in their hands,
...okay, I guess?
:7 to execute vengeance on the nations and punishment on the peoples,
--wait, what?
:8 to bind their kings with fetters and their nobles with chains of iron,
whoa whoa whoa, what the hell are we singing?!
:9 to execute on them the judgment decreed.
NOPE.
This is glory for all his faithful ones. Praise the LORD!"
THIS IS ONE "HONOR" I COULD DO WITHOUT KTHX

No, seriously though, Psalmist what are you even doing. There's something terribly surreal about hearing a congregation sing words like that in unison, accompanied by organ, without pause. Like... guys? Guys? Anyway. I'm rather glad to, at this point in my life, have the understanding that these were written by a fairly large number of people over a long period of time, and are not the inerrant word of God directly inspired and literally true in every particular. I sent an email back the the awesome dude who runs Scripture Study asking how we're supposed to get past that kind of discordance, if there's some sensible and reasonable Episcopal explanation, or we just sort of... continue to delight in the paradox of faith. He indicated the latter.

'kay, then.

17:3 If you try my heart, if you visit me by night, if you test me, you will find no wickedness in me; my mouth does not transgress.
17:4 As for what others do, by the word of your lips I have avoided the ways of the violent.

That's from this week's. I cringe for entirely different reasons. Yeah... my mouth transgresses, alright. If you test me, you will find all manner of wickedness and folly and transgression. I may have avoided the ways of the violent, but I have not walked in the paths of the righteous, either. I think maybe some of the psalms are more honest and emotional than others - but that's songwriting for you.

The post I had written concluded with a few verses from one of the ones I particularly liked, and the prayer that's been floating around my head for a couple weeks now, but I don't remember the former. Lord, let my mind be strong to see the truth, and my hand quick to record it; let my heart see what is right, and my voice reveal it. ...Oh God, please don't let me fuck this up.